Imperfect Transitioning

Imagine your health journey like a cocoon.

I don't need pity, I need relationship, connection, and others going through similar seasons. Some people have been super kind to tell me I have changed so much that "it's like you are a literal butterfly." When in reality I am still in the cocoon. The middle is where the magic happens. It is the space where you discover your purpose and strength. With every big goal, comes a big season. A season of decision, action, failure, and celebration. Most of the time it isn't that cut and dry or at least it doesn't feel like it. My goal to prioritize my health is a journey I am choosing to take for the rest of my life. WHY? Because life feels amazing and free when I can breath, run, push myself, and think rationally. Why am I showing you a beast of a master bedroom? 3 months ago, 2 generous friends pushed me and helped me make this room a peaceful space. It was beautiful, so a big part of me feels shame for this cocoon to have only taken 3 months to get out of hand. We have prioritized other parts of our home, I have been contending for a drop-in-able home for years and years, so I am not going to let this room being out of hand, steal my joy! I am obviously not "literally a butterfly." I am literally choosing NOT to be the caterpillar anymore. We were meant to choose the cocoon. We were meant to transform into messy goo, and have faith we will be able to transform into something whole again. Don't be afraid to be messy. The heart work is MESSY! If you want to feel joy through the messy, you have to be willing to dig inside and be real with yourself, and sometimes others in my case 😉 I thrive on accountability, and transparency. That doesn't mean this room will get done today, or tomorrow... It means this room and my shame in owning my role in the mess, doesn't have power over me anymore. I want to challenge you to make the decision to stop being the caterpillar! Choose to step into your own cocoon. Embrace it, be an active participant in your transformation. I can't make that decision for you. Your spouse can't make it for you... There is only space in your cocoon for you to do the work. I promise, you are not alone, we are all actively messy goo when we are choosing to do the heart work. Don't continue to stand in this alone! Find people who aren't afraid to sit in it with you. If you don't have someone like that in your life, please reach out to ME. I would love to sit in the mud with you.

Sweat the demons out.

It's okay to have some demons. If anyone tells you they're without, they aren't being very honest. Managing a demon well is still carrying one. I won't tell you how to carry yours. I can tell you how I carry mine. 

I might not be able to hear 🎧 you in 20 years, and I might be a shriveled prune 🛀... but I will know joy in living a beautiful broken life. 

This might just be me sweating out a virus that I haven't had to feel in half a decade due to a kick ass immune system -- that apparently caught up with me -- but when I am sick it also comes with hormones and spiralling thoughts. Not sure why, but the woe is me hits me like a man cold and I crumble. This is why I DON'T GET SICK. This year has been kinda crazy around here. I have felt so distant from many people, yet amazingly present in my little family's life. My brain needed this. I do NOT apologize for my needs. I prioritize self care because I don't like myself when I feel chaotic. I prioritize my quiet corner of the world because this is where I reap the sweetest harvest. Sharing my life isn't always easy, because I contend everyday with doubts and fears and anxiety. I am not always 100% but I keep reminding myself about what I heard Staci Eldredge say this year... "Your 10%, is 100% of what someone else needs." Seems easy to remember, right?! Spiritually I can be a slow learner. 😉 I want to do better about sharing the dark and twisty... It may seem weird to some people, but to me it is like fresh freaking air. I know there are other weirdos like me out there who feel all of their feelings on the outside. Who won't run away because it's overwhelming to someone who lives inside out. This doesn't mean I allow myself to fall into a pit and stay stuck for long. I fight my way out and it isn't always pretty. I don't like help. I don't mind a shoulder to cry on if you are present when I am all feely, though I tend to do my best processing when I meditate through it a bit first. I Identify as a four on The Enneagram after all. We tend to withdraw and put up a fight before we submit to our needs. Awareness in myself has been key to crushing the walls I put up or come up to. #myownworstenemy Awareness that I have a tribe who cares and wants to be present in my brokenness is still really hard for me, inviting them in is still foreign. Those who share their story help me see that we are not alone. No matter how alone society tells you you are, trust me, you are very loved and worthy to be seen as you are. Sweat out those demons... Music and a sweat inducing bath may not be your barrel of whiskey... Did you know these are exactly what fours on the Enneagram can benifit from? An 8 or 6 may not find effectiveness in these forms of meditation. Why do I love the Enneagram? Because it has been the most successful at helping me see my personality as fluid and keeps me from putting myself in a shell. Find what works for you and you will know its working... It will click. You might need to tweak it every now and then but it will keep working if you allow it. I see you, you aren't alone, let's be better together. ❤️

My truth...

I am drifting away from my extroverted needs in order to guard my heart and find my place... my people... my purpose... and my soul.